Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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