Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
