i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
