At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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