just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
