Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
