nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
