when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
