we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
