I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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