I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
