Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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