I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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