I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
