you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I could make wine with my vomit
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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