You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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