i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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