She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
