She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
