Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
