Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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