Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
