I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
