just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
