Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
