Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
