respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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