Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
