thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
