I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
