I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
