So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
