we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
