i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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