You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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