I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
