She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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