a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
