i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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