I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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