I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
