I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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