My liver just broke up with me...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
