I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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