I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
