i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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