Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
MIDGETS
????
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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