Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
