Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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