Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
