Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
