trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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