I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
