ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
