not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
