My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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