If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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