bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
