He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
